This piece comes from poetic storyteller and photographer Ilze Millere: Finding Myself Through Self-Portraits. On a topic near and dear to my heart, Ilze chronicles her mental health journey by reconnecting with nature and discovering self-expression through creative self-portraits. Thank you Ilze for this beautiful piece on the importance of creativity for mental health, courage and self-expression.
Whenever I feel lost in the maze of this messy world and trapped in all the limitations and expectations of this often so complicated life, I turn to nature. I am a nature spirit and, when I feel disconnected and detached, I know that Mother Earth is where I have to go to find myself again.
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Finding myself through self-portraits: losing a sense of self
I grew up in a small country filled with wild forests, serene beaches and endless meadows. Over the years, after living among the concrete walls of various cities and towns and moving to a more urbanised country, I lost that connection with nature and, with it, a part of me faded away, forgotten. I found myself feeling less joyful and hopeful, there was a never-before felt sense of overwhelm and heaviness that started to haunt me and became a part of my everyday life, always lurking behind and waiting to attack me and leave me filled with anxiety and panic. I felt disconnected from myself and, as a foreigner who had left her home-country years ago, I suddenly felt like I had no identity and no place in this world.
That’s how I led myself to my first burnout.
Returning to nature
Drained from within with physical symptoms breaking out as my body was crying out for help, I was forced to leave my job and escape to a new environment, closer to nature. And, almost instantly, I felt a change. Heaviness lifted off my shoulders and creativity embraced me in its warm familiar touch, filling my head with ideas, giving life to stories and poetry, and my soul vibrated with life again. I took walks alone in the forest with no distractions, I sat under trees and lay in the grass, I felt the earth beneath my hands and feet, and, like a flower, I was grounded and blossomed towards the sun.
Finding my way to self-portraits: a new discovery
That time, years ago, I discovered a form of mindful creative expression which became my meditation – taking self-portraits.
It initially felt awkward and silly – I mean, have you ever tried to pose in front of a camera in the woods, fully aware that someone might walk by and spot you at any moment? As a socially rather awkward person, I wasn’t ready to have to explain what I was doing.
I’d walk far and deep into the woods to find hidden spots among trees where no footsteps or voices would approach me and, suddenly, taking self-portraits became something empowering and nurturing. I was able to capture myself exactly how I wanted, to portray real emotions and to create art with nothing but my body and the environment around me.
I learnt to let go of control and worries as I left behind plans and lists and instead allowed my creative voice and nature guide me and followed my instincts and emotions of the moment to create pure and authentic portraits. And, every time I left the forest with my camera and tripod by my side hours later, I felt a grounded sense of accomplishment – I had reconnected with myself, and my chaotic mind was at ease.
When life takes a dark turn
Earlier this year, my world crumbled. My mind was shrouded in fog and misleading voices which convinced me that I deserved no love or respect and that there was nothing and nobody for me in this world. For weeks, I suffered in silence, and felt threads of my soul untangle and fly away in the wind, and I knew that soon there’d be nothing of me left. I had never felt such darkness, and it was absolutely horrifying.
I didn’t recognise my face in the mirror and I didn’t feel like my body belonged to me anymore. My dreams seemed misleading and my thoughts were filled with lies which became easier to believe every day.
Before it was too late, I escaped the environment that was draining me and found a new home. Slowly, day after day, those walls of loneliness and pain crumbled apart and I let love back in, and it replaced those tears with smiles and laughter.
Finding home and strength in myself again
Warmth of a home and a family melted the icy empty halls in my heart and my mind, but I still felt like I had nowhere to go. I was alive again, but I saw no future for myself, and I longed for some hero to just come over, give me all the answers and tell me where to go and what to do. But no matter how many words of wisdom and guidance I found, there was only one person who could put me back on the right path, and that person was me. I had to find myself again.
I began my nature walks alone and I felt a surge of excitement as I explored new fields and woodlands, I smiled when I discovered trails of purple wildflowers, gasped in awe when I spotted a doe on my path and I laughed when I watched baby ducks learn to swim behind their mother. Whether it was a brief escape or long hours of wandering, I felt tension and loneliness back away step by step and my soul could breathe again.
Courage and creativity
Finally, one day, I brought my camera and tripod with me. It had been months since I had stood in front or behind a camera, and I was scared I had lost my creative voice. I had no plan, I didn’t feel inspired and, to be honest, I was lacking any kind of motivation to create. For months, I had avoided looking myself in the eyes, and the idea of exposing my face and my body in portraits (potentially to be shared online for others to see) was uncomfortable.
So I started slowly. I took wider shots to make myself smaller. Focused on the environment around me, I turned my back to the camera. I was patient and I fully immersed myself in being present and creating. And, soon enough, ideas were flowing in my head. My eyes spotted new angles and backgrounds, I was running up and down towards the camera to awaken my body through different poses, I felt the familiar rush of adrenaline, and time was slipping by as a gorgeous summertime sunset unfolded all around me.
And then, there was a moment of magic.
Birds joined their voices in a concert of thrill and joy, and every other sound in the world seemed to be muted. Blinding gold light poured towards me, tiny bugs danced in the air, leaves swayed as a gentle wind ran through them. I had stripped down to channel my inner forest nymph and to truly reconnect with my body and find myself in my skin.
I held my breath as I stood there, all alone, in awe of the moment I was witnessing, feeling that empowerment pulsing in my body, feeling the nature healing me. Stepping forward, I walked through the ferns to get closer to the oak tree (oaks trees are particularly magical in the mythology of my home-country, which made the moment even more powerful). I placed my hands on the tree, and I felt my body vibrate with its energy, as the sunlight soaked into my bare skin and oak leaves gently graced and kissed me.
For months, I had felt like I didn’t deserve love anymore. But not anymore. I felt beautiful and powerful, and, in that moment, I learnt to truly, deeply, love myself and the world again.
I was lost in a summer dream, detached from all the life’s worries. But I didn’t feel lost. I was grounded and safe, one with nature and with my body and mind, and soul – home once again.
About Ilze Millere
Ilze Millere is a storyteller whose work focuses on female empowerment, mental health and the environment. She believes in the power of using her creative voice to spread a message about a greener, kinder and more united world to inspire others for a positive change. Her main creative expressions are writing mindful poetry, making poetic magical-realism films and capturing herself and the world through photography. With her stories and art, she aims to capture the beauty of our natural world and the magic in the ordinary, as well as to explore the complexities of humanity and human minds.
Find her on Instagram and check out more of her beautiful work on her film portfolio.
