10 Ways I learned How to Be Happy (Part 2)

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It’s strange that I find myself here today, writing about how I learned to be happy considering I’ve been a sad, sad soul my entire life. 

Welcome to Part 2 of the 10 ways I learned how to be happy.

I labored carefully over these two posts because I want to outline the complexity of happiness. In Part 1, I talked about how I learned that the trick to being happy is to understand you won’t always be happy.

The chase for happiness is a paradox. If you’re “chasing” it, then you aren’t happy. How can we learn to be happy when the active seeking of it takes us away from it?

The idea of chasing happiness is a myth. Far more productive if we address our own toxic thoughts and behaviors. Our self-limiting beliefs. That’s where the work is.

See Disclaimer: I’m not a health professional and all content provided is for information and entertainment purposes only. Please talk to your doctor if you have questions or concerns about your mental or physical health.

See How I Learned to Be Happy (Part 1) for ways #1-5.

How I Learned to be Happy (Part 2)

6. Understanding scarcity mindset

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown addresses scarcity mindset. She said something that made a lightbulb go off in my head. The first thing we say when we wake up in the morning is “I didn’t get enough sleep”. And the last thing we say before bed is, “I didn’t get enough done.” 

And I realized something: I base my self-worth on how much I get done but no matter how much I do, it’s never enough. I feel like I’m always one step away from total ruination. Doesn’t that sound fucking stressful?

We live in survival mode because we suffer from scarce mentality: scarcity in time, in money, in status, in beauty, in stuff. Ultimately… scarcity in safety.

Through various wellbeing practices, we can switch our minds out of scarcity and into abundance. 

Imagine tackling your daily list of tasks with the belief that you’ll have enough time to get it all done. Imagine trusting that this summer, you’ll surely be able to afford to take a trip overseas. That you will fall in love. That you can provide for your children.

Heavenly, right? And when the mind and body are relaxed, we’re actually more efficient! We’re calmer, clear-headed… well-rested. And the world is suddenly a safer place.

You’ll find that putting that kinda energy out has a domino effect. And the universe will start playing in your favor.

7. Self Care

Eyeroll, am I right? But listen to me.

It’s crucial. I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to let go of beliefs that it’s self-indulgent or selfish or something only the hippies talk about.

And self-care isn’t a luxurious spa retreat every weekend (but it’s fine if that’s your thing). It’s as simple as a nice bath or setting an intention in the morning that you will pause between tasks today and breathe.

Related: 50 Self-Care Ideas for Better Mental Health

And do it with the right motive! Don’t take a long bath because “the lady on the internet said so”. Do it out of love for yourself. Treat it like a meditation.

Also self-care doesn’t always feel good. Watching Netflix for 5 hours may feel like self-care but it ends up making you feel worse doesn’t it? You need to learn how to parent yourself, compassionately nudging yourself to make wiser choices for your mental, spiritual, and physical health. Go outside. Exercise. Meditate. Cook a nourishing meal.

Self-care is also understanding that love can co-exist with difficult emotions. When I get really anxious, love evaporates from my body. I can’t access it, not toward myself or toward my partner. The fear and anger start making decisions and that’s a scary place to be.

Anger, anxiety, sorrow… these don’t have to open a hole and swallow love out of existence. It’s still there. Coax it out with your self-care practices. Not to swallow the other emotions… but to apply a lens of compassion over a difficult moment.

I’ll finish this section with one of my favorite moments with Shaun, my ever-wise partner.

“I’m angry,” I told him. “I’m so angry with you.”

He responded, “And I love you.”

8. Depression = overwhelm

An epiphany struck me this year when I identified that my depression is just overwhelm in disguise. I wasn’t lazy or unaccountable as I always believed… just overwhelmed.

That changed everything. I never called myself “depressed” again. And my, how differently I responded. Because depression doesn’t have a solution, as society tells us. But overwhelm does. I can make to-do lists, get organized, do the things I’ve been putting off.

And I started getting shit done. Pursuing my goals, enhancing my discipline. I felt integrous, which healed my lack of self-trust.

I realized that I’d been fighting my depression tooth and nail for years, villainizing it in my head. Literally! Her name was Lady Dark and we waged many wars.

Until I turned to her one day, and made her a friend. Once my narrative changed, life was easier.

You’re not meant to be at war with yourself. This is what creates inner turmoil and festers. Acceptance, self-compassion, self-care… this is what eases that inner resistance and we’re able to tap into our true potential.

Who is your Lady Dark and how many times have you tried to “beat it”? What self-limiting stories is it telling you? How can you send love to all those “ugly” parts of yourself?

I talked about absolute acceptance in Part 1 with the mantra “and that’s okay”. It’s no different here. And I encourage you to explore if you’re prone to depression. How much of it is actually overwhelm? And would changing that narrative empower you?

9. Community

People can’t comprehend how important this is until they do something drastic like move across the world. I don’t regret moving to New Zealand. But severing ties to my family, friends, and community (sports team, choir, etc) created a gaping hole in my soul. No I’m not exaggerating.

The importance of community is articulated perfectly in Johann Hari’s Lost Connections. Feeling like we belong, in a family, in a community… it’s one of the lost keys to happiness and fulfillment.

True connection with others can have a dramatic effect on your mental health. It can make you feel cherished and safe. Empower you and give you purpose, particularly if you’re in a position of service.

I would take a really close look at whether you feel you belong in a community. It can be as simple as your family unit or work team. But if you’re like me, all by your lonesome in a foreign place, then seek connection. Join a sports team or volunteer group. Make true connections, deeper than surface-level shit-talk. 

I highly stress this one. It’s huge.

10. Vulnerability

I saved this for last because… I haven’t cracked it yet.

Vulnerability is hard. But I believe the research. The ability to be vulnerable unlocks something inside us.

It’s funny because my very first point in Part 1 was Authenticity. But being vulnerable is being unapologetically authentic. And as I learned, this is rather crucial to be happy.

The thing is, a big source of my anxiety is feeling like everyone in the world is against me. Everyone wants to see me fail so showing weakness is fatal. These are toxic stories I learned from my past and it’ll take time to undo them.

It’s a sad world to live in, though. I don’t see teams. I don’t see community. In my journal, I once wrote “I stand alone on a battlefield ringed by swords and arrows.” How stressful and depressing does that sound?

When you separate yourself from the people around you and from humanity, it’s a lonely place. Refusing to be vulnerable is lonely.

Shedding your mask can be incredibly empowering. Vulnerability creates a more open version of yourself… to people, to opportunities. Life is a little more colorful.

You become aligned with self. Clear on who you are and what you want. It helps identify your “why”, which is huge if you’re trying to do anything worthwhile with your life.

But it’s hard. I know it’s hard. But if we can crack this one, we will be leaps and bounds ahead in our mental game. We’ll be invincible and everything would seem possible.

Ultimately, this is why I embarked on this journey of healing, why I write so passionately about these topics. Because if your mental game is strong, you’re unstoppable. 

We’re fed stories that hardness and cruelty are the sword and armor of the game of life. 

But in fact, it’s love. It’s joy.

Check out Part 1 of the 10 Ways I Learned How to Be Happy.

Today’s Tunes: Stone by Stone by Arnór Dan