As a personal exaggerator, I tend to let my emotions get the best of me… I’ve had to learn how to calm down for the sake of my relationships and my own wellbeing and did this through a variation of these 8 simple exercises below.
Hello, glad you’re here. Did someone piss you off? Are you feeling anxious? Restless? Heightened?
I know the feeling. It’s a shit place to be.
I personally see red when someone asks me to “calm down”. It just makes it worse. The brain doesn’t want you to calm down. It’s latched on to some irrational danger and will continue spiraling, feeding on itself like a fire.
It takes a lot of strength to step back… find your center… and realize that freaking out is exhausting and contains no solutions.
But.
Bad moments is where the magic happens. Where The Choice happens. Where we can choose to soothe ourselves and put in some self-care practices… instead of puffing up, moving on, and letting it fester unconsciously.
This skill takes practice. But it’s possible.
So let’s get into it: here’s how to calm down with 8 simple exercises.
How to Calm Down with 8 Simple Exercises
1. Breathe
Right. Overly simple and now you’re annoyed with me. But breathing is a long lost practice that’s just magic.
Slow down to 6 breaths per minute.
Slowing your breath slows your heart rate. This means you have improved HRV, which is important for long-term health – I talk more in depth about this in this post on how to use the breath to reduce anxiety. It actually works!
For now, in the middle of your emotional high, just breathe. Inhale for 4 beats, hold for 4, and exhale for 4. If you’re very distressed, exhale for 8.
2. Take a “Self-Compassion Break”
This is a genius method dubbed by Dr. Kristin Neff. She talks about the “self-compassion break” in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
In the book, she gives examples of emotional highs – fighting with your spouse, impatience with your child – where she implements a method called the Self-Compassion Break where you break and go separately to apply a lens of self-compassion over the situation.
It’s a practice of total acceptance. Putting your arms around yourself and saying “this is a moment of suffering”. Allowing yourself to be angry, sad, distressed.
Be warned, this may lead to a lot of crying. It’s okay. Crying is good.
3. What does self-care look like to you?
So… for the longest time, I had no idea what self-care was. I imagined luxury spas and no one has time for that.
But self-care isn’t luxury… it’s open space for you to just be, by yourself, in total contentment.
This is where a list comes in handy. On a good day, I want you to make a list of what self-care looks like to you. Put it somewhere obvious and refer to it when you’re having a bad day.
I include a blank list for you to personalize in my Self-Care Journal, which you can download by entering your email address below.
It’s free!
In the grips of a bad moment, we tend to forget our wellbeing rituals. Our brain is too frazzled to think. So it’s important to have this list at the ready.
If you’re stumped for ideas, here’s a list of 50 Self-Care Ideas for Better Mental Health.
4. Ask yourself a few calm questions
Whether your distress is justified or not, it’s important to ask a few non-judgemental questions.
For example, what “Danger Story” has my brain latched on to? This is a big one for me. My anxiety always stems from the story that my future is ruined, which is ridiculous.
Another good question is Is this a solution? When your vision goes red and you throw things at the wall or eat your weight in fast food… it’s good to step back and check in with yourself. A similar question, Is this destructive or in my best interest?
Again, these questions are not to invalidate your feelings. I don’t want you asking yourself things like Why am I such a bitch? Refer to #2… your emotions are valid!
But this investigative work can pop us out of the vortex of emotions. To help you think clearly and guide you toward healthier responses, like self-care and compassion.
Related: 5 Mantras to Pop Out of Toxic Thinking
5. Calm Down by Escaping
Escapism is my personal favorite coping mechanism. BUT it’s a fine balance. I have a rule that I’m not allowed this option until I’ve done #1-4.
Why? Because escapism can become a habit of avoidance. And it’s addictive. Avoiding discomfort can actually cause it to metastasize… so that’s my disclaimer.
Granted you’ve done the self-care work, acknowledged and accepted your feelings, and allowed them to pass… feel free to escape for a bit. There’s nothing more delicious than a good book. Alternate ideas could be watching movies or gaming. Avoid the violent stuff.
It’s a beautiful way to disengage from reality and spend a few hours doing something you truly enjoy.
6. Try Gratitude
Ah gratitude. The talk of the town. This little practice is the cure to foreboding dread.
So list 3 small things you’re grateful for. It works. It just does.
If you’re like me, most freakouts come from the fear that everything will fall apart. Scarcity is entrenched in my mind and I’m happy donning my 10-ton armor, thanks very much.
I talk about scarcity mindset in my post 10 Ways I Learned How to Be Happy. Scarcity in time, money, friends… ultimately a scarcity of safety.
Gratitude is hard when you’re in a storm of emotions. But it short-circuits that toxic feedback loop.
Practicing gratitude (and not just when you’re heightened) wakes you up to the abundance around you. It paints a different picture and enhances self-awareness. Give it a go.
7. “I am safe, I am safe, I am safe”
Uncomfortable emotions stem from a single belief, that we’re not safe.
My psychologist put me on to this practice, to pat my chest or arms – tap tap tap – to come back to my body.
Try that, while repeating the mantra “I’m safe, I’m safe, I’m safe”. It’s a simple practice to return to reality. To step out of the illogical dystopia our minds are feeding us.
You don’t have to buy everything your mind is selling. It’s a baser instinct trying to keep you safe. So assure it that you are safe and it will believe you.
8. I am enough
On the topic of scarcity mindset, a lot of us tend to go off the rails because we feel like we’re not doing enough. We’re not working hard enough. We’re not smart enough. And we project this on people we love… your partner isn’t doing enough. Your kids aren’t doing enough.
This is all… bullshit. We think it’s in our best interest, but it’s actually disempowering. Depressing. And we’re not all that productive when we’re depressed, are we?
Tell yourself that you’re enough. Even if you don’t believe it. This was difficult for me at first, when I was in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.
But contentment doesn’t come from being happy all the time. It comes from the peace that you’ve done enough, you are enough. Allowing yourself to be imperfect and emotional and tired… and that’s enough.
I hope you feel better now and have managed to “calm down”. Being emotional is normal. You’re safe. You’re enough. Allow yourself to believe that.
