Everything I did to overcome my anxiety disorder and start living my life

Here is everything I did to overcome my anxiety disorder and start living my life – 8 ways I took a holistic approach to my health and wellbeing

To all my anxious friends, here is everything I did to overcome my anxiety disorder and start living my life authentically. It was hard. It took time. But it worked. Read on if you’re looking to take a holistic approach to health and wellbeing. And perhaps a bit of hope.

Warning: I use explicit language below to highlight the intensity of this journey. If that’s not your thing, navigate to the more ethereal content on this blog.

Looking back, I’ve always been an anxious person. I had night terrors as a child and irregular sleep (likely trauma-induced). As I aged, I developed existential fears about “the future”. Nothing felt certain, including my safety or sense of self.

That’s all fine and good when you’re cocooned within the safeguards of childhood. Then I became an adult. And life took a dark turn. Panic attacks. Self-destructive behavior. A foggy numbness. It got ugly, which led to a one-way ticket to New Zealand… my radical attempt to reset.

I improved… for awhile. I even shed the antidepressants. But as they tell me, you can’t run away from yourself forever. A year in, a panic disorder latched to my nervous system with no sign of letting go. My senses became like an exposed nerve, hyper-sensitive to any little stimulant. I could no longer walk around the city, ride a car, or do my groceries. I didn’t leave my house unless it was for work (and that was fucking hard).

It killed my personality. That was most heartbreaking of all. And I no longer had a choice. If I wanted my life back, I needed to do the work. I knew I wanted to take a holistic approach, though I didn’t know what that meant beyond refusing any more pills. But I committed wholeheartedly to my healing. And I started learning some shit.

I often get asked how I did this. So I wanted to culminate everything I know in a single post.

Below is everything I did to overcome my anxiety disorder via a holistic approach, rebuild a sense of self, and start living my life.

Taking a holistic approach to wellbeing: everything I did to overcome my anxiety disorder and start living my life

Boring disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. Please don’t take any of the below as medical advice. If you have questions or concerns about your mental health, please talk to a medical professional.

Other disclaimer that I don’t do everything below perfectly. I fuck up. Life happens. The overarching lesson to overcoming anxiety/depression is to stop being so damn hard on ourselves.

I went to therapy (correctly)

Technically I’ve been seeing a psychologist since I was 18. But only recently did I understand how to use that precious hour effectively every week. This isn’t a place to bitch and moan in a state of half-presence (though sometimes that’s okay too).

Finding a therapist I jived with took a few tries. But it was important to cycle through the range of characters to find someone I felt safe with.

For every appointment, I come prepared with questions. I bring notes on my thoughts and behaviors to analyze patterns and how I could have approached situations differently. And I bring my journal to retain the good doctor’s wisdom. That’s how I get my money’s worth. Because psychologists are expensive.

I’ll finish by saying therapy isn’t enough on its own. Not for me anyway. A holistic approach to wellbeing involves more than an hour every week. There’s a reason they call it “the work”. Which leads me to the next point.

I meditated daily

People hate to see meditation on lists like this. Maybe because it’s overused or mutated into another wellness product for rich white women.

I hated meditation. I danced around it for years, ignoring the advice of multiple professionals. Sitting still and observing my thoughts? Not a good time when I was afraid of my own head. In fact, it was only after I implemented a rigorous exercise regime (more on that below) that I gained the ability to meditate.

It sucked. But once I started, something drew me back day after day. Meditation is the practice of observing your thoughts and emotions without judgement.

No matter how ugly, uncomfortable or painful… meditation is to continue to sit and let all sensations flow past like leaves over water.

Plain, boring, mostly-uncomfortable meditation is (in my opinion) crucial to address anxiety. Not only to observe all the batshit thoughts that go through your head (hereby understanding why you’re anxious in the first place). But to sit with anxiety itself… to feel its creeping fingers wrap around your throat, buzzing in your stomach, rattling inside your ribcage. And remember that you’re safe. You’re fine. Let it be.

So that when a panic attack hits, you’re entirely present… allowing it to take you on a ride, knowing you’re only an observer and you’ll come out the other end just fine.

Because of meditation, I stopped fearing my thoughts. I stopped fearing anxiety. That was the path out.

I did 120 minutes of cardio every week

Fun fact, in a desparate attempt to resolve my panic disorder that year I couldn’t leave my house, I started marathon training. I read Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins (legend) and it got my ass to the streets running the length of Wellington.

Boy was that hard. Four days a week, I was up at 5:30am running in the dark like a madwoman. And I knew exercise improved mental health. I’d heard that a million times. But when I say the change was dramatic, I’m not exaggerating.

As stated above, it was only when I implemented a rigid exercise routine that I was able to meditate.

Science tells us cardio specifically shows significant improvement in anxiety and depression. 120 hours of cardio per week, to be exact.

I credit marathon-training for getting me out of my darkest days. Within six weeks, my panic attacks stopped. In the months after, I came back to life, tasting joy for the first time. My partner noticed a difference. I was able to do my groceries again. I slept better. My heart felt lighter and my body powerful… transformative when most of my anxieties revolved around my health.

Now I know not everyone is going to start marathon training. But I’m here to tell you exercise helps. God it helps. The experience taught me that I’m a high-energy person. There’s a lot of buzzing inside me and it needs to be discharged. That’s how I’m wired. And I have to honor that by implementing the right routines to meet my needs.

I’m not marathon training anymore but I have a balanced routine between yoga and running. Every day, I move my body in some way. I view it as an anxiety metabolizer, literally shaking it out of me. Like I said, it works.

I committed to clean eating

I feel this is another one that induces eye rolls. This isn’t a medical blog so I’m not qualified to school you on the gut microbiome. But a balanced environment in our gut (flush with “good” bacteria) plays a role in mental health. This explains why IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) is a thing. It explains why, alongside my anxiety, I had a slew of digestive problems.

The gut speaks to the brain via the vagus nerve. Stress throws this ecosystem off-balance, causing problems with digestion, inflammation, and well… more stress.

Read this article which breaks this down into simple terms.

The trick is to prevent our systems from becoming inflamed. And we do that by eating well. Fruits, vegetables, nuts and pulses introduce fiber and gorgeous bacteria to the gut.

Avoiding inflammatory foods is key, such as processed foods, fried or deep-fried foods, packaged or sprayed foods. I go down this rabbit-hole often. There’s a lot of corruption in this space. It was a painful process to open my eyes to corporate interests and how it impacts what goes on the shelf.

Some days, it feels impossible to track what foods have been sprayed, detected for microplastics, or harmful in some form or another. But I stick with a few basic rules as a safety net:

Opt for organic produce where possible
Stick with a whole-grain plant-based diet where possible
Stay away from plastic where possible
Cook at home as much as possible

Emphasis on “where possible” because you won’t always get it right (see disclaimer above). Also… it’s okay to break the rules once in awhile.

Clean eating is a staple of holistic wellbeing, an important step to improve both physical and mental health.

I buckled down on my Circadian rhythm

As previously stated, I had irregular sleep from the time I was young. I’m not sure what role this played later in life, but it couldn’t have been good.

The importance of sleep is understated. My whole life I thought surely a few hours of sleep was adequate rest… I didn’t need a whole eight hours, did I?

Turns out, I did. Sleep is regenerative rest for both body and mind. The sleep cycle, like everything, is a formula designed over thousands of years for optimum healing and performance. And I don’t know better than thousands of years of evolution, do I?

Sleep plays a role in memory, cognition, and mood. Importantly, sleep acts as an inner therapist to process and consolidate emotions. Getting less sleep can impair that process.

The Sleep Foundation explains that the long-held belief that mental health problems impact sleep goes the other way too: lack of sleep can lead to mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and irregular behavior.

Sleep. Is. Important. I aim for 7 hours every night though I’m sad to say that doesn’t always happen.

Our bodies are wired to rise and set with the sun. As part of my self-care routine, I put all screens away at sundown to begin my wind-down ritual. And I keep the curtains open so I’m woken by natural light, which is biologically the healthiest way to wake up (fuck alarm clocks).

Bonus tip: every morning after you wake up, sit in the sun for 10 minutes. This releases all sorts of good hormones for your body and it’s a great way to meditate.

I committed to ugly self-care

Looking back, I laugh at how foreign self-care seemed to me. To this day, I have to force myself to do it. It just doesn’t come naturally.

I wrote an in-depth article about “ugly” self-care in Issue 8 of the SLOW Journal. Essentially it debunks the idea that self-care is meant to feel good.

In wellness advertising, self-care is being confused for self-indulgence. Frivolous things like a spa day, buying designer shoes, or cheesecake. These are less self-care, more bandaids over our hollow selves. And the benefits are short-term.

True self-care is ugly. It’s doing all the things no one wants to do. Exercise. Meal planning. Discipline. Chores. Once I realized doing dishes was an act of self-care to feel less cluttered or overwhelmed, it got easier to do them. Once I noticed how shitty I felt after eating takeout, it got easier to cook a nourishing meal. Or turning all screens off to rest my brain. Or sitting with my anxiety to meditate or journal.

Self-care is an investment in the future self. It feels good later. And its effects are long-lasting. The sense of “I have my shit together” culminates in our bones day after day until we restore self-trust and confidence. Suddenly anything feels possible. And that’s freedom. That’s how you get anxiety to shut the fuck up.

I prioritized my creativity

Before I dug into the science, I knew being creative was a source of joy for me. It’s one of the few things in my life that feels pure. It takes me back to when I was young, allows space to soothe my inner child and remind her that we’re safe.

I invite everyone to investigate what makes them feel like a kid again. For me, it’s music, anime, and fantasy books. Something about these three elements supercharges my creativity. I drift into a dreamland where colors are brighter, and all I want to do is write, paint, or be in nature.

Being creative is an act of presence. It rests the brain, allows it to wander and ponder. It slows the breath and the heart. If we think of creativity as a form of meditation, we start to understand all its mental health benefits.

Everyone is creative. It’s a human instinct that begets innovation. When I prioritized my creativity, I felt in control again. It led to this blog, and to starting my own business. It gave my life meaning again.

This is a powerful enhancement to wellbeing… to feel like we’re in control of our destiny, in pursuit of something meaningful. To feel like we have purpose. No matter where my business goes, this is something I reap the benefits of every day. It’s the ultimate act of self-care and I sleep better at night for it.

Related: 16 simple ways to be more creative in daily life

I adopted positive nihilism

When I was 7 years old, I understood that life was meaningless. Might’ve been a bit early to have that kind of realization, but there it was. It’s a difficult part of my psyche I had to address to get through my anxiety disorder.

For decades afterward, I struggled with existential dread. Anytime I tried to do anything, it was blunted by this deep-rooted nihilism. Nothing mattered, so why do anything? Hopelessness made nothing worth my time or effort.

Then I stumbled upon Mark Manson’s Everything is Fucked. He reckons there’s a flipside to nihilism. Just because there may not be a defined meaning for my existence in the grand scheme of things, why should that mean it’s hopeless to pursue things?

If nothing matters, why not do anything? If it feels good to me and it’s meaningful to me, then I should do that thing. The cosmic meaning of it all just doesn’t matter. And that was incredibly liberating. It took the fear out of doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do.

Mark Manson explains this himself in his always-hilarious video series here. If you’re short on time, skip to 9:44. That’s where the good shit is. Essentially I adopted the philosophy of the gorgeous black man dancing in pink.

This is a philosophical concept that doesn’t work for everybody. But this is my blog post. It’s my experience. And I’m telling you, adopting the flipside of nihilism has made a difference for my mental health. It balanced my “give a fuck” meter so that I cared enough to do what made me happy but didn’t care so much that it metastasized into existential dread.

So that’s it. That’s everything I did to apply a holistic approach and overcome my anxiety disorder, which enabled me to start living my life again. It was a lot. But that’s what makes it a holistic approach to health and wellbeing. It’s many small steps from a variety of directions over years that summated into mental growth and resilience.

If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s this: the only way out is through.

You’re doing great. Keep going.